Kerry Washington isn’t holding back.
During her 20/20 special on Sunday, the star, 46, opened up to Robin Roberts about her life, her family secrets and her own painful struggle with an eating disorder before the release of her memoir, Thicker Than Water, out on Tuesday.
One of the more shocking revelations included a childhood trauma, involving a boy she claimed repeatedly touched her while she was in bed during sleepovers. This alleged misconduct occurred without her awareness. However, when she did discover what had occurred, she made the decision to conceal the violation since he was, as noted in her book, “not built to withstand the pain of facing the consequences of his actions.”
“These were, like, the hardest writing days. But it felt like the point is to remind myself and each other that we’re not alone,” she explained to Roberts. “That little girl made the choice to not tell anyone. I have a great deal of compassion for where the choice came from, and even a little admiration for that little girl, but I also adore her and feel so sad that she carried the burden of that on her own for so long. And so, I wanted to make a choice to tell a truth that she couldn’t.”
Elsewhere in the special, Washington recalled learning that her dad, Earl Washington, was not her biological father after she told her parents she was planning on making an appearance on Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s Finding Your Roots, a series where celebrities can find information on their ancestors through DNA testing.
The actress shared that her parents omitted the information in order to keep quiet about their fertility problems.
Now, Washington is “in the process of attempting” to find her donor — and her father is ultimately “supportive.”
“I think he’s open and curious and you know, maybe not thrilled but accepting and supportive,” she added.
The Emmy winner also detailed the depths of her eating disorder — a segment that was teased earlier this week on Good Morning America. She revealed how she contemplated suicide at the height of her disorder and was “trying to destroy myself.”
Washington read an excerpt from her new memoir and shared that by the time she went to college her relationship with food and her body had “become a toxic cycle of self abuse that utilized the tools of starvation, binge eating, body obsession and compulsive exercise.”
“I could feel how the abuse was a way to really hurt myself, as if I didn’t want to be here,” she shared. “It scared me that I could not want to be here because I was in so much pain.”
Asked if she considered suicide, Washington responded, “Yeah. Yeah … The behavior was tiny little acts of trying to destroy myself.”
Washington went on to share that while she is in a much better place now with her eating disorder, she still has to “check myself.”
“I wouldn’t say that I never act out with food, it’s just very different now,” she said. “It’s not to the extreme. There’s no suicidal ideation, that is not where I am anymore. But I know, ‘Oh, I’m really in this chocolate, this is good information for me.’ The bottom has gotten a lot higher where just a little discomfort with it is enough for me to know this is a way to check myself. But it definitely looks a lot healthier. It’s a lot easier. It’s a lot saner than it used to be.”
While the Little Fires Everywhere star is usually fiercely private about her personal life, she said sharing her story now is “with purpose.” “I’ve never wanted to share my private life for the sake of fame or for the sake of attention,” she noted.
In January, Washington opened up about her telling her story for the first time, sharing, “Writing a memoir is, by far, the most deeply personal project I have ever taken on. I hope that readers will receive it with open hearts and I pray that it offers new insights and perspectives, and invites people into deeper compassion — for themselves and others.”
According to a press release, Washington’s memoir will give readers “an intimate view into both her public and private worlds — as an artist, an advocate, an entrepreneur, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a Black woman.”
Reflecting on her life, the Unprisoned star will reveal for the first time how she “faced a series of challenges and setbacks, effectively hid childhood traumas, met extraordinary mentors, managed to grow her career, and crossed the threshold into stardom and political advocacy, ultimately discovering her truest self and, with it, a deeper sense of belonging.”
Thicker Than Water hits bookshelves on Tuesday.
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