Aurora James was in seventh grade when she realised "food was the enemy," and she began weighing herself every day since runway models' body types were "definitely not the body type that I had."
"I had a calendar that I hung on the wall above my scale." "Every day, as soon as I woke up, I would weigh myself and record my weight on the calendar," she says of the routines that eventually led to her acquiring anorexia and bulimia.
The 39-year-old Brooklyn-based fashion designer spoke exclusively to HotGossipNewz about her long battle with eating disorders, which she discusses in her upcoming memoir Wildflower.
James attributes the development of her eating disorders to a variety of causes.
She recalls having a terrible relationship with her mother and grandmother, both of whom had complicated eating habits that she believes were "passed down" to her. James also grew up during a period when the mainstream media was "telling her" that she didn't meet ideal beauty standards.
"My grandmother was someone who counted every calorie, and my mom was someone whose weight naturally fluctuated because my stepfather used to restrict food from her," she adds, citing domestic abuse as a child.
"Also, as much as fashion magazines would transport me to another world — beautiful Kim Walker editorials with pastel-colored Persian cats and beautiful Chanel couture gowns — all of the girls in those ads were size zero," she explains. "So I think it was complicated because I didn't feel like I fit into that body type and that perhaps if I didn't, I wouldn't be seen as attractive or accepted."
All of these factors were instances in which James claims she lacked the ability "to exert any kind of control." However, she achieved that level of control through her eating habits, admitting that her anorexia and bulimia were "control mechanisms" that she used throughout her life.
"I was well aware that it was extremely unhealthy, but it was just what it was to me." I believe that most persons who suffer from an eating disorder are also suffering from depression. "I think I was depressed and just dealing with it the best I could," she adds. "I think a lot of young girls want to fade away, to disappear when they don't feel accepted, seen, enough, or valuable." And I believe I am a good fit.
Throughout her twenties, James' weight fluctuated as she struggled to establish healthy eating habits. She was frequently complimented on her weight, which fueled her eating issues. And, with so many friends struggling with eating disorders, James lacked the necessary support. She claims she relapsed at numerous periods during her life, always at times when she felt she had lost control.
However, James, the founder of sustainable accessories line Brother Vellies, recalls a watershed moment in her health journey in 2016, when she was surprisingly feeling her best before working with a celebrity nutritionist who she claims pushed ‘super destructive’ beauty ideals.
"I had begun to feel better and was in good health." I was doing Pilates and eating when I realised, 'Okay, I should see a nutritionist and make sure I'm feeling good.' "That nutritionist told me I was carrying too much weight and he didn't understand why I was happy living my life as a six when I was born to be a ten," she recounts. "I was sitting in their waiting room with two Victoria's Secret angels five minutes before that." So I clearly wasn't feeling well."
"I worked with him for about two and a half years," James explains. "I thought I was getting help, but it turned out to be the worst and most unhealthy years of my life." I recall him saying to me one year before a huge occasion, 'Okay, I just need you to eat watermelon for 10 days.' That is exactly what I did. And on day 10, I literally passed out."
Because of her deeper struggles with body image and mental health, James realised that, while seeing a nutritionist could be good for some individuals, it wasn't going to be a solution to her eating disorders.
"I just started focusing more on more traditional therapy," she says, adding that she also practises meditation. "I realised that trying to work with someone to address the food part was really just a bandage because the heart part, the value part, the little girl part needed to be addressed."
"There are these things that happen in your life where it sits with you and manifests in a different way and can create shame, pain, hurt, and desire for control unless you really unpack a lot of those things," she adds.
Today, James says she's doing better, but she'd be lying if she said she doesn't struggle with her eating disorders on a daily basis.
"I don't think eating disorders are something you get over and never have to deal with again," she emphasises. "It's almost like having an alcohol problem or something." This is something you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. It will be easy at times, difficult at others, and impossible at times.
"I just think it's an ongoing battle," James says, adding that she needs to be "extra diligent" about loving herself more. "I need to eat in order to fuel my body because I want to live on this planet for a very long time." And I believe that in order to do so, I must ensure that I provide my body with the nutrients it requires to be healthy and happy."
Given how difficult her personal health journey has been, James encourages people who are experiencing similar difficulties to be proactive in addressing the underlying issues in order to obtain the required aid.
"How we feel when we are tempted to engage in bad habits is the sticky part that we need to dive into," says the designer and activist. "What is that feeling you have when you decide to make an unhealthy decision?" How do we get past that sensation and where did it come from? And whoever you can confide in to go through some of that stuff in your life — whether it's a therapist, a psychiatrist, or a buddy — is exactly who you should have on speed dial."
According to James, it's time to break cycles by having a larger debate about eating disorders and body image in today's society, which is why she's speaking out.
"As much as the body positivity movement has come to the forefront in the last five to ten years," she continues, "I think there are signs that we're going to start slipping backwards in some very real ways." "And I believe that as a society, as a culture, as the media, as people in positions of influence, we need to start having some of these conversations and understand the risks to society that continue to push certain narratives onto women."
